Love: Vintage Clothing, Make-up, Shoes, Sketching, RPG's, Napping, College, Movies, Shopping, BF, Parents, Friends, Laughing

Hate: Homework, Drugs, Violence, Attitude, /Drama/, Being Scared, Crying, Being Cold, Failing, Weakness







Images taken from foto decadent.
Layout by colbydageek
and Me

My whole fucking life is a mask. My parents.. no my grandparents.. Hair.. no a wig.. strong.. no weak inside. Trust me everything is FAKE. My self esteem is below zero and yet somehow I manage to show confidence, if not for a moment. "wow I love your hair" "Woah cool hair" I don't have any fucking hair! I pull out my hair, I make myself ugly.. not on purpose because I feel like a boy with breast and a vagina.. yes my normal posts are more poetic and have more thought but this is pure feeling. I hate myself. I hate how I look. I hate how weak I am... I hate that I give up easily. I hate that I have so many fucking problems and I really hate that I allow others to control me. I don't know the point of this post and frankly this isn't cooling me off. I just want to pull my face off... I hate how I look I HATE IT! Society makes hair look so important and the more I use my wig the more I remember how much I enjoyed my long hair. I loved braiding it and curling it and having it played with and now I look like a dike. I know because my sister has said so... and not to mention I TRY SO FUCKING HARD TO FIGHT THIS BITCH TRICH AND GUESS WHAT IT BITES ME IN THE FUCKING ASS! My dad asked me, "Are you having hair issues?" "No.." "Oh then your hair must be growing slow in that one spot.." NOT HELPFUL! God I am like a fucking chemo patient except I can even have people to feel sorry for me to give me attention to m,ake me feel significant.. I get shit, I get laughed at, I get stared at... I hide it, oh how I hide the hurt and the pain but sometimes like now I can't take it.. the festering sore opens and blood begins to pour out and thats when I know I have had enough. GOD MY PARENTS HOW THEY WANT TO HELPBUT CAUSE ME PAIN< LOTS OF PAIN! oh-well I've had enough writing.. I am going back to the bathroom to cry.. cya

My mom was talking with my bio-dad's gf. They were discussing addiction and my mother's words truly burn a fire in me. Each thing she said was like adding fuel to the flames. She was saying oh yes when I became a Mormon I had to stop drinking alcohol and coffee and let me tell you I loved my coffee and beer. Then she went on to say she just stopped drinking it with sheer will and it doesn't bother her and she does miss the beverages. How foolish can she be? Comparing your habitual morning coffee the this woman's meth addiction? Do you honestly believe that your craving and withdrawals (if you even had any) compare to the chemical in her brain longer.. yearning for another taste of bliss.. having your body tremor and shake and see things that aren't there.. can you honestly say "oh I did it.. so can you." What a pitiful fool. I do not condone drug use as previously said, however, I compare trich with a chemical-substance addiction. Lack of pulling creates extreme anxiety, you feel weak, irritable, and headache.. just to me its very similiar. The ongoing rituals, the brief pleasure, the need to gratify yourself again. How the fuck is coffee like cocaine? Caffeine is addictive.. I know that but she was not adicted. She simply drank it because it was nice. It tasted good. It felt good. It started her day. To stop drinking coffee is like going on a diet.. not like stopping an addiction. God Damn't.

Not much to say but I am bored ^^ .. painting nails is hard when you're not ambidextrous! I think that's spelt right ;) I bought a liquid-eyeliner pen at VS today.. if you don't know what VS is, I feel sorry for you haha. Um.. Work tomorrow morning. Kinda tired now. Wanna see Beowulf badly. Miss bf lots and lots. <3 Thats it for now.

I have something wrong with me.. I must. My dad said he felt ill and I asked what was wrong and he said he think he has the flu and I replied, "Kirsten prolly gave it to you" as I said those words I was thinking to myself I wish I had the flu.. what person thinks that? I actually want to be sick, want to have a fever, want to be throwing up and be degydrated.. what kind of person wants that? I just hate school.. I hate getting up and I hate going. In marriage terms 'the honey-mood' part has ended for college. *sighs*

So I am upset right? What should a parent do? Ask what's wrong.. what does mine do? Yell.. she doesn't seem to give a shit.. she's too busy doing her 'thing'.. not to mention she wants me to get my sister from night school toinight.. seriously if you ask me to do favors at least care about me instread of yell because my attitude is poor. I know I have a poor attitude I am angry/dad/stressed.. God!

So boyfriend isn't answering his phone and I don't know why.. I try out for a spot in the talent show and they say no then they say yes.. I went bald today btw. Normally I wear my wig. Poop is on the floor when I get home and I am expected to clean it when I've fucking picked up two piles of shit already today.. I am beginning to hate school.. one of my biggest stressors. Not to mention my dad.. he keeps popping up in my mind and it makes me so upset and angry it drives me through a lot of emotions which can help when performing but when you're at home or I am I should say, I am miserable. Lonely and miserable. I had a good day otherwise had a dream with my bf in it and took my dog for a walk. *shrugs* not in a good mood now though. All these people saying they care for me and it's to the point I feel like I can smell a lie on their breath.

Cara
Artist. Girlfriend. Fashionista.
02.07.89
Aquarius
Collegiate

I like to think I am down to Earth, but I can be kinda materialistic. I like clothes and I let people know it. Brands are not as important as matching and quality. I am very sensative and overly emotional. I have a lot on my plate and can't eat it all. Slowly, I find myself managing and getting better.

This portion is a log of my pulling. I have trichotilliomania, an ICD (Impulse Control Disorder), similiar to eating disorders and Tourette's Syndrome. It involves an impulse or urge to pull out ones hair. At times the one with the disorder isn't even aware they are pulling. I hope with this log I can encourage myself to stay pull-free.

11.3.07 Head Shaved
11.11.07 Head Shaved Again

I made Haunted Reality because I have never been very good at upkeeping diaries and journals and I had just helped my best friend creat her blog, Painted Porcelain. I came up with the name with her as well as made the layout with help from the credited sources. I have always had an interest in graphic design and computer language. It started with neopets and went up..
The name I came up with by looking at my design as well as incoorporating it with my life. I deal with so much stress and depression that its 'haunting'. I plan on using this blog not as an update to designs or anything like that. It's solely for me to write out my daily life in blurbs. Whether or not it's entertaining that doesn't interest me.. what /is/ important is that I express my feelings in a healthy manner. ((NOT A CUTTER!))

Nov 12, 2007
Nov 13, 2007
Nov 14, 2007
Nov 16, 2007
Nov 22, 2007
Nov 27, 2007