Haunted Reality

Strange

Tuesday, November 13, 2007 // 11:05 PM

My head was hurting after being shaved and I let it do what it wanted for a while until I noticed something similiar to razor burn.. I had my mom and didter agree that thats what it looked like. Well I had my sister look for ingrown hairs (they cause me pain) and she found some I guess. I knelt my head in her lap while she plucked out the monsters. Seriously I felt as if I was in a surgery where cancerous tumors were being removed. It's so strange, but so true. I felt little pain and I was almost beginning to drift off.. the feeling was so soothing to me. Odd.. Oh well. I kinda wish it would continues, maybe it related to how it feels good to have your hair played with or head stroked.

Hell

// 3:52 PM

Yes, today was hell. I suffered from great amounts of anxiety and took tests I was not prepared for mentally or even emotionally. Of course the English one was easy enough to bullshit, but the science one.. not so much. I mean, seriously, who knows average body temp. in Celsius? Not me. God. I wanted to go puke in a bathroom stall quite a few times.. I didn't. Like I said before I couldn't handle another disorder. The thing is I am somewhat of a control freak. I can't control my hair pulling all that well and I can't control my emotions or stress level good either so it manifests into something greater.. that's part why I got trich I think. Everything felt so out of my hands.. trich .. you control which hairs, you decide when and where to pull until its an addiction same with bulimia and anorexia.. you decide when to eat, what to eat when to throw up or even if you will eat. It reminds me of my bio dad's friend who was trying to get off alcohol (he was an alcoholic) and instead of a plan or anything he did it cold turkey and ended up shooting himself in the head cos of withdrawls or w/e.. I am not gonna shoot myself. My point is when I give up the hairpulling, what comes next? Do I replace it with some equally bad ritual or do I find the will and inner strength to walk forward and not look back? I worry.. I worry a lot about this issue.

Oh and by the way I am proud of being drug free. Z-Bars and Vodka shots are not my idea of healing the pain, because it will come back, again and again until I fix it. So why spend money and deteriorate my health when it won't help me at all.. all you teens and adults out there doing these foolish things, I urge you strongly to stop.

Profile

Cara
Artist. Girlfriend. Fashionista.
02.07.89
Aquarius
Collegiate

I like to think I am down to Earth, but I can be kinda materialistic. I like clothes and I let people know it. Brands are not as important as matching and quality. I am very sensative and overly emotional. I have a lot on my plate and can't eat it all. Slowly, I find myself managing and getting better.

Pull Log

This portion is a log of my pulling. I have trichotilliomania, an ICD (Impulse Control Disorder), similiar to eating disorders and Tourette's Syndrome. It involves an impulse or urge to pull out ones hair. At times the one with the disorder isn't even aware they are pulling. I hope with this log I can encourage myself to stay pull-free.

11.3.07 Head Shaved
11.11.07 Head Shaved Again

The Site

I made Haunted Reality because I have never been very good at upkeeping diaries and journals and I had just helped my best friend creat her blog, Painted Porcelain. I came up with the name with her as well as made the layout with help from the credited sources. I have always had an interest in graphic design and computer language. It started with neopets and went up..
The name I came up with by looking at my design as well as incoorporating it with my life. I deal with so much stress and depression that its 'haunting'. I plan on using this blog not as an update to designs or anything like that. It's solely for me to write out my daily life in blurbs. Whether or not it's entertaining that doesn't interest me.. what /is/ important is that I express my feelings in a healthy manner. ((NOT A CUTTER!))