Haunted Reality

Masks and Hate

Tuesday, November 27, 2007 // 11:42 PM

My whole fucking life is a mask. My parents.. no my grandparents.. Hair.. no a wig.. strong.. no weak inside. Trust me everything is FAKE. My self esteem is below zero and yet somehow I manage to show confidence, if not for a moment. "wow I love your hair" "Woah cool hair" I don't have any fucking hair! I pull out my hair, I make myself ugly.. not on purpose because I feel like a boy with breast and a vagina.. yes my normal posts are more poetic and have more thought but this is pure feeling. I hate myself. I hate how I look. I hate how weak I am... I hate that I give up easily. I hate that I have so many fucking problems and I really hate that I allow others to control me. I don't know the point of this post and frankly this isn't cooling me off. I just want to pull my face off... I hate how I look I HATE IT! Society makes hair look so important and the more I use my wig the more I remember how much I enjoyed my long hair. I loved braiding it and curling it and having it played with and now I look like a dike. I know because my sister has said so... and not to mention I TRY SO FUCKING HARD TO FIGHT THIS BITCH TRICH AND GUESS WHAT IT BITES ME IN THE FUCKING ASS! My dad asked me, "Are you having hair issues?" "No.." "Oh then your hair must be growing slow in that one spot.." NOT HELPFUL! God I am like a fucking chemo patient except I can even have people to feel sorry for me to give me attention to m,ake me feel significant.. I get shit, I get laughed at, I get stared at... I hide it, oh how I hide the hurt and the pain but sometimes like now I can't take it.. the festering sore opens and blood begins to pour out and thats when I know I have had enough. GOD MY PARENTS HOW THEY WANT TO HELPBUT CAUSE ME PAIN< LOTS OF PAIN! oh-well I've had enough writing.. I am going back to the bathroom to cry.. cya

Profile

Cara
Artist. Girlfriend. Fashionista.
02.07.89
Aquarius
Collegiate

I like to think I am down to Earth, but I can be kinda materialistic. I like clothes and I let people know it. Brands are not as important as matching and quality. I am very sensative and overly emotional. I have a lot on my plate and can't eat it all. Slowly, I find myself managing and getting better.

Pull Log

This portion is a log of my pulling. I have trichotilliomania, an ICD (Impulse Control Disorder), similiar to eating disorders and Tourette's Syndrome. It involves an impulse or urge to pull out ones hair. At times the one with the disorder isn't even aware they are pulling. I hope with this log I can encourage myself to stay pull-free.

11.3.07 Head Shaved
11.11.07 Head Shaved Again

The Site

I made Haunted Reality because I have never been very good at upkeeping diaries and journals and I had just helped my best friend creat her blog, Painted Porcelain. I came up with the name with her as well as made the layout with help from the credited sources. I have always had an interest in graphic design and computer language. It started with neopets and went up..
The name I came up with by looking at my design as well as incoorporating it with my life. I deal with so much stress and depression that its 'haunting'. I plan on using this blog not as an update to designs or anything like that. It's solely for me to write out my daily life in blurbs. Whether or not it's entertaining that doesn't interest me.. what /is/ important is that I express my feelings in a healthy manner. ((NOT A CUTTER!))